Bye.

I'm getting rid of this blog. I don't do anything on it, now that I'm on tumblr. There wasn't really much of a purpose for this blog, except to vent anyhow. If you do want to keep up with me, check out my tumblr.

formspring.me

Hello, I.T. Have you tried turning it off and on again? http://www.formspring.me/zombifiedking

A Gentle Note Of Other Days

     I haven't been on this blog for a while. Sorry. This will also probably be the last post for a while, as I'm on Tumblr now, and I post more tidbits, and brief statements, and not whole coherent paragraphs on what is happening in my life.
     I think the biggest reason I made this blog, such a long time ago, was for attention. I was depressed, and I wanted people to come around me and share in my pity. But, now I'm a very happy individual. Everything that matters seems to be going for me. Now, I'm not saying everything is perfect, and I'm without stresses, or pains. But, I can't think of any right now, which is more than delightful, after the past two years of my life.
    Recently, a friend of mine was baptized. Before this, for many years he had been an avid Atheist. He was THE "resident Atheist". And he made the choice to give his life to Christ.
   And, now, I'm trailing off. I'm going to leave it at that. I wish I could blog more, but I don't have the patience. Maybe one day.

The Tides Are Turning, and the Moon is Slowing

I think today was my best day at school so far. We've been in for a week, and I'm now beginning to re-emerge to the public. If you don't know exactly what that means, I'll tell you. Every time we move, I become shy, because of the new environment. But, after a while I get friends who I can be myself around. I'm crazy, I'm calm. I talk about music, we don't have conversations. Then, BOOM. We've moved again, and I have to re-adjust. This in-and-of itself is daunting. I have learn people, figure out what makes them laugh, what they like, what they hate, what makes them tick, how to cheer them up, how to fit in. I lived in Iowa for four years, and I had learned all that about everyone I knew. If I wanted to bug them, I knew what to say, if I wanted to have a mature conversation, I knew what to do. We moved again. After four years with the same people, it's hard. Especially with the number, and magnitude I knew people. I knew many people, intimately. We were close friends, i could share deep secrets with some, and laughs with others. But, now I know nobody. With the way my classes work at school, I'm not around the same people enough to be able to learn them. I've learned a few things about a couple people, and I'm beginning to break out of my cocoon. I'm starting to be the weird, creepy guy I used to be. The aptly named "Cheeser" who's always smiling, and always laughing. I'm beginning to make friends. I'm finding people to eat lunch with (as of today, I have sat with people at lunch, instead of sitting alone). I'm finding people with similar interests as me, slowly, but surely. I'm finding friends, and learning how to make people laugh. I'm learning how these people work. I'm looking past their Southern accents (as hard as it may be for me, no offense to any of you with these accents), and looking on the inside, at what matters. I'm becoming less narrow in my views of who can be my friends, my qualifications for a friend. I'm still trying to find people to hang out with, but that will come with time. I'm trying to find people to make films with, start a band with (which is going pretty good, I dare say), but I'm waiting patiently. And the best part? Two months ago, I had depression. It was so bad, I had to be on pills. I got over it, by saying I was done with it. I got over my depression, by getting over it. I realized what was making me depressed, so so small in comparison to everything else happening. The tiny sad things out weighed the huge good things happening in my life. And this all leads me to who I am right now.

Alex "Cheeser" Gael, fun loving filmmaker and aspiring musician. Living to bring joy to others, and spread the love of the Father. Living every day, without sadness. Becoming a positive influence, becoming who I was made to be, not who I had become. I am becoming myself.

What the F***?

     Thank you, God, for giving me this voice to do nothing with except piss people off, and frustrate myself. Thanks for giving me a voice that isn't good in any setting, Choral, or otherwise. Because of this, I won't ever be able to sing my own songs, I'll never be able to sing to my (future) girlfriend. I'll always look back at my life and be angry that I didn't get to do the one thing I was most passionate about. Singing.
     I hate hearing the stupid, "You're only 15 years old." You know what? There are a plethora of 15 year-old out there who can sing well. Mitch McAndrew can sing better than me, Mitchell Stevens can sing better than me, Kyle Langhurst can sing better than me, half the 15-year-olds on YouTube can sing better than me.
     I should not have to exceed 300+ dB to hit a C. I should not have to watch my covers, and laugh at myself and how terribly I sing. I should not get rude comments about how crappy my singing is, when I've practiced it every day for three years. It should be at least okay.
     And you know what? I won't ever accept this. Never. I will keep on trying, and I will keep swearing at myself when I try to sing songs. I'll continue to cringe whenever I hear myself in choir, continue to be embarrassed with every note I "sing"
     I can't get vocal lessons, to even try to begin to sound any good. Not that it would matter, because no matter how many I had, I would still suck. I don't want to have to sing notes so low, they're inaudible. But you stuck me with this, and I'm furious. You gave me a passion for singing, and didn't give me the tools necessary to do it. I don't want to scream. Sure, it's kinda fun, but it's not what i want to do. I want to sing my own lyrics, not have others repeat the words.
     So, that's it. I quit. I'm not going to open my mouth again.

Looks Fragile After All

     Three lives lost in six months. So many, amongst so few. It's hard to think what exactly was going through these three teen's heads when they made the choice to end it all. The strangest part of it all, is the last two were so full of life. There was no sign of depression, or suicidal thoughts. It's confusing. Why did they choose to take their own lives? Why have so many chosen this? Amongst such a small community, it's hard.
     I knew all three of the boys whom killed themselves. The first one, I had seen once about three years ago, at an FLL practice. The second, I had met and hung out with at one football game in the fall. He was fun, loving, and lively. He seemed to enjoy life. Of the three, he was the one that made me hurt the most. The third I had gone to school with for two years, before I switched to Lisbon. I didn't know him very well, as he was part of the sports crowd. While I went t school with him, I didn't like him much. As I matured as a person, I grew to like him quite a bit.
     It's sad to see this many take their own lives, especially in such a short amount of time. It was only six months since the first suicide, and one month since the second. They are happening at an alarming rate, and the school is starting to fall apart. People are starting to lose themselves. It's taken a toll on everyone.
     Not many I knew were affected by the first suicide. His family, some friends. Mostly the Sophomore class. The second hit home. Pretty much the entirety of the Freshman class at Mount Vernon was hurt by it, and many of the eighth graders, as well. The third has affected a different crowd. Most unsettlingly, it has affected some of my close friends here, at Lisbon. It's scary to this many people crying at my school.
    Some good came out of it. Finally, after three suicides, our school decided to talk to each grade about suicide. Teachers and staff opened their doors to anyone who needed to talk. During English, we discussed it, but about 15 minutes before class was over, our teacher knew we couldn't stay inside and talk about it. She took our entire class outside, and for the next ten minutes people ran around, played frisbee, and a few of us sat in the grass and talked.
     Our group in the grass talked about how the last time they had seen the Nathan (the latest suicide), he seemed so happy, full of life. They talked about how apparently he had been planning a ski trip for some guys in his class, and how he was stoked for it. People are confused. My teacher had me talk to our small group about my (minor) depression. (You've all seen it on this blog. My blog is where I go to let out. It's how I tell people how I feel) I wasn't crying, or anything, but people comforted me. It confuses me how people can comfort me, when I know they are hurting more than me.

I conclusion... I don't know what to say. It's going to be nice to move, and get a fresh start. It'll be great.

Tumblr

I got a tumblr yesterday. It's pretty cool. I'll be posting a lot more spontaneous things there, so you get the other side of me.

Check it out at Hopes of Hope
or: http://cheeser.tumblr.com

The Deterioration of Permanent Things

Society has deteriorated. We like to laugh at other people's pain, we don't understand what true love is any more. We've abandoned Chivalry.

You can't talk about Chivalry without talking about feminists. Now, I have nothing against feminists, and I understand why they feel the way they do. Sometimes, though, when you try to be respectful to them (as a man) they make it extremely difficult. They feel like you're treating them lesser, because they're a woman.

It doesn't mean you should give up on being respectful of women. There are so many selfish men, and it makes me sad. They want a girl purely for sex, there's no emotional attachment. When the guy is done with her, he leaves her a wreck, broken.

I challenge you as a guy, to continue chivalry. And you, as a woman, to stop being so uptight about guys trying to help, and being respectful. Because that's exactly what it is.

How Do You Conjure the Will to Love?

Revisiting one of my friends old blog posts, I wondered how God manages to love us. How does he continue to love humans, day in, day out, even with the atrocities we commit, and our continued ignorance of his grace, power, and his majesty? As a man, I would have given up on us thousands of years ago. Yet, he in all His awesome wonder continues to love us. It's mind blowing! It makes no sense! We have done nothing to deserve His love, and yet he continues to love us even when we blame things on him, yell at him for not stopping the bad stuff. We refuse to be humble, in front of the God of the universe.
This happens every day, except Sunday. We put on our masks, waltz in "holier than thou." We judge the people there, labeling them "fake" when we ourselves have no right to judge. We are only human. We all mess up. We all make mistakes, screw things up. We love to build ourselves up, by pointing out others mistakes. Making their mistakes seem greater than our own, so we feel we have not done as much wrong.
And still God loves us. Amazing, isn't it?
I challenge you, the reader, go, and do something to earn the love you were given. Go, show others the love God has bestowed upon you.

The Catharasis

These are some lyrics I wrote, which mean a lot to me. They're about someone I know. This is unfortunately the way I feel about him.

I WAS SENT TO BE HERE FOR YOU

I WAS SENT TO SHOW YOU THE WAY

TO HELP YOU THROUGH

BUT, LIKE VULTURES YOU TOOK WHAT YOU WANTED AND LEFT THE REST!

AS MAN WITH TOO MUCH

NOTHING IS EVER ENOUGH

NEVER ENOUGH FOR YOU!

I'M THROUGH WITH YOU!

I'M DONE TRYING TO GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD

YOU'RE NOT THE BEST MAN!

[YOU'RE JUST A MAN!]

Fears, and failures and mistakes!

Nothing to be ashamed of!

YOU'RE NOT INVINCIBLE!

LOOK IN MY EYES!

I'm not here to challenge you!

I'm not here to judge you!

THAT'S NOT MY ROLE!

I'M HERE TO GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD

THERE IS SO MUCH MORE!

ARE YOU TRYING TO ASSIMILATE?

IS THAT YOUR GOAL?

THEN YOU'VE HIT THE BALL OUT OF THE PARK!

There's so much more

Just let me show you!

LOOK IN MY EYES!

Would I ever hurt you?

Just trust me!

QUIT PRETENDING TO BE

WHO WE ALL KNOW YOU'RE NOT

YOUR MASK IS WATER THIN

YOU'RE FACE IS CRYSTAL CLEAR!

Lay yourself out!

admit to yourself 

You're no angel

WE'VE SEEN THE DEMON INSIDE!

YOUR TRUE COLORS LAID OUT ACROSS THE FLOOR

NO LONGER CAN YOU LIE TO US!

NO LONGER ARE WE SUBJECT TO DECEPTION!

Immersing the Animal on the Inside

So, my friend Patrick just put up a blog post talking about people/things/music being both Christian and non-christian (you can check it out here). It led me to this post, and the title.

It's time for me to stop hiding behind a mask of innocence. I say I'm a Christian, but quite unfortunately, there are many things that would contradict this statement. At home, and around my Christian friends, I act like a good kid. But, around my non-christian friends, I'm a totally different person. I swear (a lot), make sexual jokes, and generally act like those around me. I do this in an attempt to fit in, and because I feel "cool" when I do it. I feel like that's the way to fit in.

Is being a Christian about fitting in, though? Not a bit! If anything, you are supposed to be isolated! You're isolated because you're following the truth. People don't like that. They don't like being told what they're doing is wrong, they don't like being told to stop. They want to be totally self-dependent. Unlike them, Christians know they can't be self-dependent, they know they're weak, and can do nothing without the Father.

Let me ask you this. Do you wear two faces?

You Don't Realize What You Don't Have, Until the Chance is Gone

Never take anything, or anybody for granted. Never put things off, don't procrastinate. Before you know it, they could be gone, opportunities swept away. You never what you have until it's lost. And sometimes it's not just lost, it's gone. And you can never get it back. My mind is at a blank. There is nothing to think.
Nothing, but a simple goodbye is what I can muster.

BIRTH.EATER

I've decided I'm going to recommend some music right now!


First off, I would like to suggest the OCEANA discography. Everything from "The Tide" to "Clean Head EP" 
All three of their albums are fantastic in their own unique ways.


"The Tide" was their debut album, released as they were all 18 and 19. It is a fantastic metalcore album with great screaming, and beautiful singing. The Instrumentalism is also fantastic!


Their Sophmore album, "BIRTH.EATER" is easily the best concept album I've ever heard. They switch to a lighter, post-hardcore scene. The words they sing however, are very heavy. The entire album is about abortion. They talk from the not-yet-born infant, and the mother. They talk through the emotions of the child, and what the mother goes through.


In their latest EP: "Clean Head" they switch to a more indie sound. It's great album to listen to when you just want to chill-out. It's an album, that I'm sure all of my friends wouldn't mind listening to.




Next, I would like to talk about HeyHiHello! As you may be able to tell from their name, they're a pop band. They use a lot of electronic sounds, and fun lyrics. Very fun to listen to when you want to feel like people in a music video.


The Postal Service. They'll lower your heart rate down to 20. They're very good, but very slow. Exceptionally good for chill-out, and a great electronic/indie band.


I'll leave at that, before I blurt out everything in my metal dominated iTunes.

Sometimes, Trying Isn't Enough. Sometimes, Nothing is Enough.

I am sitting in the back room, alone. Listening to OCEANA, alone. Listening to your conversations in the gaps of the songs, alone. I feel ready to cry, alone. I'm moving, and I can't even remove myself from this room to go and "hang out" with you all. I feel better, back here, alone, away from the disdain that would be thrown at me. I don't want to go and be with you all, because I know I'd just become more sad. I'm moving, and you act as though you're sad. What are you sad about? You didn't seem to care about me while I was here. What difference will it make with me gone? For two years, I've let these feelings bottle up inside me. I want you to read this, and see how you've hurt me. I desire to be with people, but I have no desire to be with you. I've tried to long to be part of your group of friends. I'm done pretending. I'm done acting like I don't care what you say to me. I'm going to let you see the real me. The kid that is now crying. I'm moving, and I never felt loved. I was just a nuisance to you. Don't worry, though. I'm leaving in three months. You won't have to deal with me anymore. You won't have to deal with the fun, energetic, loving Alex Gael anymore. I'll be gone. I only hope, when I visit, you don't treat me the same way. Treating me like shit. You're the real trash. You claim to be Christians, and yet, when I look at you, there is nothing to show that. I know I'm not perfect, but at least I realize when I do things wrong. You know what's ironic, too? The Atheist is a better friend to me than you "Christians."I enjoy being with him, because he is more mature than you, he is more loving, and more accepting. These last two years of my life have been fucking hell. I bet you didn't know, you're the reason I was going to Mount Vernon next year if I didn't end up moving to North Carolina. And you know what? I'd rather go there next year, than move to North Carolina. I'd rather go to school with my true friends, the ones that make me feel happy, than stick around with all of you. Then, at least, I could still be there with them. I wish I was sad about moving to North Carolina, and missing you guys. I can tell you right now, that's not what I'm sad about. I'm not sad to leave you. I finally get to escape from you. I've been tethered to you for two years, because you were the only ones there. I have no remorse for telling you all this. I have no remorse telling you about how you made me cry myself to sleep multiple times over the past two years. I hope the next time I see you all, you have matured, and that you won't treat anyone, ever, the way you treated me. I wish this didn't have t be my farewell letter to you, I wish I could tell you what great friends you've been, how you've always been there for me. You've never been there for me. You know who has been there for me? The senior from Springville, my brother, my parents. Everyone but you. You all have been the reason I fail in school. There is too much hurt. Too much pain, and I can't tell you about it. All you'll do is get angry at me, and tell me I'm being judgmental. I have had to resort to my blog. I've tried to be happy. I've just pushed off this hurt, tried covering it up, ignoring it. The cast party, which was meant to be fun, was when I was the most lonely. It makes me sad, that one of the longest blog posts I've written, is about how you've hurt me, by ignoring me, and pushing me down. I love you, I honestly do. There's nothing in my mind that makes me want to delete this post all together. You've made me feel that awful. It's because of you, I've lost creativity, I've lost my sense of humor, I've lost sense of everything. I've drifted the farthest away from God in my entire life, while I was forced to have to make due with you. I'm moving in July. And this is all I can say about you?

In the Midst of Sadness, I Am Filled With Anger

I feel I have the right to speak my mind. Right now, I'm not happy. I feel I get to talk about the way I feel around you guys.

Dear ["friend(s)"],
I will be quite frank. I don't want to hang out with you, and I don't like hanging out with you. I do anyway, in the hopes that I shall one day emerge from the background, and finally become one of you, not just static noise. I guess I'm just too different for you. That would be okay, except I've tried changing for you. I've tried shutting up, but that doesn't help. You continue to ignore me, and write me off. I try to speak in the midst of a conversation, and there is no response. I love you all, but I don't feel loved, or even liked. I want to be able to hang out with you and have fun, not be sad at the fact that I'm an extra wheel. I guess, you expect me to be my brother. I'll tell you though, we're brothers, we are not the same person. I'm sad to be moving away from you. I'm sad, because I'll never get the chance to be one of you. I'm going to miss all the times we never had, the times we could have had. I hope you'll realize what you were missing, when you didn't let me in. I hope one day, you wish you could reverse time and change things. Most of all, I hope you don't treat others, the way you treated me.
Sincerely,
The friend I could have been.

Caught in the Eye of the Storm

Does that mean that the storm can see you perfectly? Or are you extremely blurry. Well, that is unimportant. Rather, it's irrelephant.

So, I really enjoy having poetic/dramatic titles for my blogs. I like to feel like I'm writing something that has a much deeper meaning than just what I write (or type, but no need to be technical).

Anyway, right now I'm in Florida. This was a bad time to be in this part of Florida. This is Spring Break. There are a bunch of stupid, drunken college students. Of course, that really hasn't prohibited us from doing anything. We're doing the same things we would if they weren't here. Really, the only thing that we aren't doing is spending less time on the beach. Not a big deal, though.

I love figuring out little things through other events. Like, this week, I discovered the difference between Christians and secular people. It's pretty obvious anyhow, but it's the little things I discovered. I've compared the difference of how Christians have fun, and non-believers. Also, humor between the groups. I've mostly figured this out watching studio updates from bands on YouTube. Secular bands swear a lot, and sound very angry. Christians, on the other hand, have a clean mouth, and are like children. Really, they are. For fun, we like to ride Go-Karts, mini-golf, frolf, go swimming. Secular people (in general) go clubbing, tick people off, and drink. I'm not trying judgmental or anything, as much as it may appear. I have a problem with sounding too harsh.

New point!

No longer is it just a possibility of us moving, it's reality. We are moving to a small town about 10 minutes outside of Fayetteville, (North Carolina), called Stedman. Now, I will be spending a very small amount of time there. I will be sixteen next February, therefore receiving my driver's license. I will be attending The Academy of Arts at 71st high School. i am very exited to be going here because they offer two fantasy classes. The offer a Film class, and an Acting & Directing.

I'm going to stop while I'm ahead, because now I'm just rambling. I'll blog later, when my head is straight.

This Was Going to be a Tweet

Originally, I was going to tweet this. I decided there was too much to say, even with twitlonger. I felt it was blog worthy. Let's go.

Last night, at youth group, the question was presented, "If you asked God what he wanted you to do today, what would he tell you?" Eventually, we came to the conclusion, that it didn't matter. Whatever he tells you to do, you follow. I didn't expect that he would have me do something the next morning. This morning, I woke up at 6:30. I was curious, that is to say, I didn't understand why. I showered and remembered that there was bible study this morning. I had never gone to this bible study. Today, I felt like he was telling me to just go. Needless to say, I went.

There is another thing I believe he has told me done, in which I have not completed yet. That would be to talk to our principal, and talk to him about A Day Without Shoes.

If you don't know what that is, it's a "thing" started by TOM's shoes. You go a whole day without shoes, to raise awareness of all the kids, all the people in the world who go everyday without shoes.

If you don't know what TOM's is, it's a shoe brand. When you buy a pair of shoes, they give a pair of shoes to a kid in need. I, personally don't wear them. I don't like how they look, or how they fit. However, my brother has had about 7 pairs over the past year or two.

That's all I had to say. Where do you feel you are being led?

Digging Up the Past. Showing it to All.

Yesterday (March 6), I went through my dad's computer. Why, you ask? I was looking through all my old videos that I had made on his computer. It was great fun looking at videos I had made 1 - 2 years ago. Amongst all other things, I found a music video that I had filmed and never completed editing. Of course, I had about 1:30 of the 3:30 - 4 minute song. It was a pretty awesome piece of my film history. One of my better pieces. Even better than much of the stuff I have done more recently. It inspired me to make more music videos (and use my dad's computer for editing, but that's beside the point).

For youth group, we have a thing called "Canned Ham." It's essentially the Sundance for our Youth Group. If you don't know what Sundance is, Google it. This year, they decided to change it up. Instead of doing actual films this year (because of not-so-great films in the past), we are doing music videos. One of the leaders decided he wanted to do a video for "Sharp Dressed Man" by ZZ Top with a couple guys and I. That'll be fun. He has a vision in his mind of what he wants. Originally, I had no plan for doing one myself. Now, I am doing two! Two friends and I are filming two music videos. The first one is "Dog Like Vultures," a beautiful(ly brutal) song by Haste the Day. The second one is yet to be decided. It may be "And Shot Each Other" by The Chariot, or a song by Advent.

The first music video I had filmed was for "Dez Moines" by The Devil Wears Prada. There was no story to it, my friend just filmed my "lip-syncing" to the song (I didn't know most of the words). This time around, I plan to have a story going along with the lip-syncing ordeal (for "Dog Like Vultures," anyway).

The whole song is about protection. Basically, how Christians protect the secular world, and how (ultimately) God protects the entire Earth. I plan to do some shots with a dog, and a wanderer. Of course, that's all I have so far. My ideas aren't too in-depth for a while. Most of them come one at a time while shooting.

While we're on the topic of film, I'll tell you another film I have in the works. I'm writing a film (which is yet to be titled) about a man who has multiple-personality disorder. One personality is a detective, and the other, a cereal killer. Yes, you read that right. "Cereal" killer. It's a comedy. One of my first, actually. At the current time, he only has two personalities. However, I do plan on working in a third or fourth.

So, there was really no point to this blog, I just really like to talk about film stuff. I just really enjoy talking about things I like to do, even if no one is "reading."

Kingdom Hearts: The Freshman Attempt at a story!

Ok, so I finally uploaded some chapters of my Kingdom Hearts fan-fic. I'm stupid, and was thinking I needed to finish the story before I uploaded it. Apparently that's not how it works, whatever. So, if you'd be kind enough to check it out just click here.

On another note, there's another "pop" band I like! If you didn't know, there was a pop band I like called HeyHiHello! They're pretty cool. There's another pop band I like. They're a pop rock band called Rocky Likes Emily. I'm Rocky in this situation, and you have no idea who Emily is. Unless you read my last blog post. Even then, you've probably forgot who she is. Good job! I'm proud of you! I have no idea what that whole "congratulation" deal was about.

I really want to be a blogger, but I have nothing to blog about. My life is like Seinfeld, except not as fun. *Le Gaspe!* (That was french for "gasp") You probably thought that there nothing less than nothing than Seinfeld. It's called reality, I moved in about two years ago. I used to be fun/funny! I guess it really all depends on who the people you're around are. I've got a sense of humor around one group of people, but it doesn't carry over. It's a shame. And since then, I've been losing some of that humor. So, I don't have it with the people I used to, or with the people I'm around.

I really felt like blogging, so there ya' go little doggie!

The Changing of Seasons is What Happens Inside of Us Over the Course of a Lifetime

(This was originally posted on Thursday)


So, today our school counselor walked in to our Social Studies class. Today is the day we got our student registration for next year. She passed them out, and just blankly stared at mine. I was nervous, and it was just really awkward. Why? This is my last year at Lisbon.

There are two different reasons.

I will state the first, and most likely of outcomes.

It appears this is my final year in Iowa. Our family has been going through some financial issues, and some conviction. My dad is no longer being paid compensation for the closing of the Coffee Shop. The income of my mother is not enough to provide for all of us. We are taking it quite well, so don't feel like we're "poor" or anything like that. My mother is feeling convicted for leaving North Carolina. She feels there are fewer missions opportunities here in Lisbon. In fact, when we left her plan (unbeknownst to us) was to return to North Carolina upon her graduation from college. Well, she graduated from college, and my brother is soon graduating from High School. It is looking very likely (97% chance) we are returning to Fayetteville, NC come July. Not only that, but God has been preparing us all for a move there. We would have a house to move into and my mom would have a job. Last year, I went to North Carolina over spring break with my grandparents. While I was there we went to my Aunt & Uncle's church (which is probably the church we will attend). While I was there I met a girl, Emily. It's almost like God has been preparing for me someone that I know for the return to Fayetteville. I had friends in North Carolina, but over the course of Middle School and High School, I have changed much. I doubt that I resemble the boy I was back in fifth grade much anymore. Sadly, I feel like I will have lost much connection with my friends that I had when I lived there. On the other hand, we may turn out to continue to be great friends! Of course, the girl I met was a girl that was into the same type of music that I am. You have no idea how much I have been wanting someone to connect with on the music front. It's hard being into hardcore metal all on your own.

So, there's the NC scenario. There's one other scenario.

So, if you have been reading my blog for the past couple months, you'll find that I have been feeling alone at my school. If you haven't read it, just look back to my second post, and many that follow. So, my dad had decided, in the case that we did not move I could return to Mount Vernon. So, if I don't move, I will be going to Mount Vernon 'till I graduate. This is not to say I won't miss people at Lisbon. Though, I'm not close friends with much anyone at Lisbon, there are people I will miss interacting with on a daily basis.

Of course, if I move to North Carolina,  I will miss ALL of my friends here. Both Lisbon, and Mount Vernon. It will be hard to remove myself from all the friends I have gained here in Iowa. Of all the places I've lived, Iowa is the place I've had the most friends. Granted, I'm at the age where you become more social, and don't have just 3 friends that you hang out with. You don't just hang out with 1 person during school, you hang out with a group. Of course, i will be looking forward to the change. I have found out, I do not enjoy staying in one place for an extended period of tie. This personality has been born through my multiple moves.

With this, I bid ye' farewell.

"Poetry is an elegant way of saying what your heart is trying to tell you" - Me

I never actually said that quote on the top. I decided to make my title have something to do with poetry, then, I made that quote up. It's probably already been said, but whatever.

Today, in bowling I was doing pretty terrible. I got a gutter, then one pin down, or vice versa. Then, the final three frames, I got a turkey. I was all like, "What?!" It was pretty crazy. My final score was 102. It was the first time I had broken 100.

The past three days we have been having great whether. I don't mean it was in the high thirties. Yesterday, it got up to 60. In Iowa. In the middle of the Winter. It was awesome. It has been a great couple of days not freezing to death when I walk outside. There have been tons of puddles all over the place since we had just gotten about 2 feet of snow. It was pretty crazy.

If you follow me on this blog (there is only one I know of) you might have seen that I recently put up a blog post, and promptly take it down. I can't tell you what it was about, really. I'm going to put it back up when my mom tells me I may, though.

So, for spring break my mom is doing some sort of "mystery vacation" thing. Today she told me what to pack. The trip hasn't really been in the for-front of my mind. If it was, I would be trying to figure out what it was all the time, and waste a lot of time on it.

I'm going shopping on Monday! I'm turning 15 on Tuesday, so my mother is taking me to the Coralville mall for my birthday. It's kind of sad it's come to the point where I love shopping. Yet, some of my female friends, do not. It's all backwards. I don't care that I like shopping, but whatever.

I really want black skinny jeans, some tight fitting, Y-neck long sleeves, and suspenders. I have a strange sense of fashion. Well, not strange, just different from everyone at my school. My brother once dissuaded me from buying suspenders. Then, I found out that someone at my school had a pair of suspenders. So, now I really want them again.

That was all over the place, but I really felt the need to blog. More followers would be nice. Comments on my posts would be nice. But, whatever.

HAPPY NATIONAL PANCAKE DAY!

Today is National Pancake day. I found this out whilst on My Life is Average. So, on this day I decided to be a social person. I am hosting a celebration of the holiday at my house. I will make tons of Pancakes. Regular pancakes, and chocolate chip pancakes. If you are reading this blog post, you are invited! It 'twill be at my place of living from 4 until 7. It'll be three hours of delicious batter!

Blogs of Note

So, for the months of blogging I have done, I have not mentioned any other blogs specifically.

It ends here.

Too epic? Sorry.

So, here they are.

Anne Easker's blog. She's the one that indirectly got me into blogging.

Patrick Ray. He's a good friend of mine, and I feel that his blog is definitely one to check out.

Andy Gael. Well, he's my brother. He does a lot of photo-blogging. However, recently, he has begun blogging with words.

Sarah Snavely. I recently began reading her blog, but I can say that I quite enjoy reading it.


So, I think next Friday, I'll let the cat out of the bag as to why I've been so happy.
We'll see.

Dear Happiness: We Should Get Together More Often

So, of late, I've been quite happy. Not nearly as depressed as usual. Even with the winter-time blues. I've just been plain out happy. Now, if you're a facebook friend, you know I can't tell you why. Because the thing that's making me so happy, might not actually happen. Of course, it's looking very likely.

I love creating suspense!

Hopefully I'll know for sure in the next week. But, my dad has been ill for the past couple days. Last night he had an asthma attack, or so I'm told. See, I stayed asleep through his (apparently) loud asthma attack, the nine paramedics yelling loudly to wake him up, my mom and brother going to the hospital with him, and my grandma coming over just in case I woke up and wondered where everyone was. I slept through all of that. Yeah, God's a pretty cool guy. If I would have been awake for any of that, I would have been scared, terrified. So stressed out. But, my mom told me everything that had happened that night, and my dad was laying down, asleep in his bed, so everything was okay.

And no, none of that is the reason I'm happy. That would be awful.

Time for vague-ness!

So, the reason I'm happy, is because there's a chance for change. There's a chance that the way I live now, will be changed. The people I hang out with will change (as in different people). Everything about my physical life will change. Change all around! And now you're wondering what in the heck I'm talking about. Sadly, I can't tell you. I really want to, I want to tell everyone. Everyone! I can't, though.

And with that I end this post and say, "The story might not return for a while."

Why? Well, I'm more positive, therefore I can blog again! The story was to keep me from blogging about petty sadness. But now, I'm bursting with joy! And I can blog again!

As NintendoCapriSun would say, "So happy!"

Die, Religion, Die

Dear reader(s), I am taking a temporary break from my zombie story. I'm hoping it's just this post, but with me, it's completely uncertain. Remember all those times when I said something was the last post of that fashion, but the next post I wrote was about the same thing? Well, it doesn't really matter. Number 1: This is not angsty or "romantic" or anything of the sorts. As you can tell from the title, I am now an aethiest. Just kidding. I probably shouldn't joke about that....

Anyways, this post is about religion. And how it is pathetic.

Now, you're asking, "But aren't you a Christian? How can you hate religion?" And my response follows in the next paragraph.

I am not religious. I am a Christian. You may think that there is no difference, but I'm telling you, there is one. And it's huge.

Today, I decided to listen to Brian "Head" Welch. If you don't know who he is, he is the former guitarist of KoRn. A born again Christian. He used to be a heavy drug addict. The first time he walked into a church, he was high off of Meth. The first time he prayed to God, he was sniffing crack. I listened to his song, "Die Religion Die" The entire song is about how religion is a lie, and how it is just a bunch of rules and regulations. A man-made idea of getting "saved" And I think this is about the 6th time I've listened to it. In a row. This is the second time I've heard a second time I've heard about anything "anti-religion" from a Christian. The first time was listening to an Impending Doom song (in which I do not recall the name). In the song it says, "I hate religion! I don't need a cult! The world doesn't need anymore fakes!" The Brian "Head" Welch song says, "It's time to see religion die! The truth can't lie! It's time to see religion die!" Yeah, let's hear that line on Christian radio. Christians as a whole are encapsulated in bubble of security. We say that we are not always going to be called to do something we are comfortable with, and yet, at all times we only expose ourselves to things we are comfortable with.

Religion is such a trick. It's a dirty window. We can see through it, but not clearly. We are distracted by all the things we are told to do. What and what not to do, that we are distracted from what really matters. We are distracted from the love and forgiveness God has given us. God doesn't judge us with scrutiny. He loves us, and he is heart broken when we sin against him. But, he doesn't disown us, or look upon us with disgust. He won't rebuke you because you have piercings. He won't judge you because you have tattoos. He won't judge you because you don't sing worship music, and instead you scream the most brutal words into a microphone. And yet, Christians are so quick to judge. The Bibe says not to judge, lest you judge yourself. We are so quick to judge others wrongdoings, and yet we ask for forgiveness and grace from everyone else.

So, I ask you today, are you religious, or do you live a relationship with the one true God? If you don't believe, I want you to know, that I love you, and even more, God loves you with all his heart. He loved you so much he sacrificed his own son so you could live in heaven with Him, forever. You are loved. You will always be loved.

The Undead Die

     The cold rain poured around him. Running down the entirety of his body. He stood, waiting for the moment to strike. Shotgun in hand. He could hear them, but they were nowhere to be seen. The thunder and the lightning was loud and clear against the silence of this desolate world.

     Behind him he heard a noise. Quickly he turned around and scoured the land, looking for the source. The lighting falshed once again and he could see a bush rustle. He raised his gun and took aim. He shot, and heard a scream of anguish. He lowered his gun and ran over to the bush. He quickly ran to the other side and pointed his gun at the creature on the ground. 

     This was no zombie. It was a living man.

     "You poor, poor man" he said plainly.

     The man simply looked up. his eyes asked for mercy. He would be given it. He took aim, and shot. 

     The man lay lifeless on the ground. Tory threw the gun in his holster on his back. He pulled out a knife and crouched down. He began to skin the man. There was a new noise, to his left. He stood up and readied his knife for a fight. Tory slowly walked cautiously toward the noise. There was a flash of lighting and a pale creature lunged at him. Tory threw his arm into the air and penetrated the zombie skin with his knife. He threw it to the ground and held it by it's neck. He quickly ran his knife through its neck. Now dead, it ceased to move. Tory stood up and checked the surrounding area, making sure there was nobody else. Once he was sure it was clear, he crouched down and began to prepare the creature to be used as food.

     He felt something cold against his head. He slowly turned his head to the direction of the cold. Above him there was a man standing with his pistol to Tory's head.

     "That man you killed, he was my friend. You're going to pay for that" said the young man.

     Tory slowly stood up and looked the man in the eye. The man began to tremble.

     "Is that so?" replied Tory.

     "I'm not afraid of you!"

     "Really? Your look of fear tells me otherwise"

     The man continued to tremble. Tory raised his han and twisted the gun out of his hand, and put the man's arm behind his back. The man yelled in pain.

     "DO YOU SEE THAT!?" Tory yelled, "THAT IS THE UNDEAD! I KILLED HIM! What makes ou think I can't do the same for you?"

     Tory continued to push the man's arm until it cracked. Them man let out a cry of anguish. Tory kicked him to the ground. He pulled a pistol out from his waist and cocked it.

     "Go join your 'friend'" Tory said. He pulled the trigger and the man fell over, dead.

     

And the Land was Covered in the Mangled Ruins

I was formerly a killer. The number one. I knew how to do what I did. I was the most wanted. In every continent. Including Antarctica. The irony? I got payed for killing. I brought criminals, dead, for ransom. I evaded the authorities. I had never been caught in the 30 years I killed. They were blinded to the obvious.

Of course, no matter how good you are at something there is always someone out there better than you. My work was overshadowed when the event happened. Millions transformed into some sort of living-dead. And those that should have been killed, decided to live. They fought for a false hope that emerged from their human hearts.

Me? I took advantage of the situation. No longer was I killer, but a hunter. I had never crossed paths with any of the living, and if I did, I would kill them, too. It's what I did. I was like them, though. The dead ones. I killed them, than ate their cold flesh. It kept me alive for now. And hey, it was too fun! Killing was my hobby.

My secret? I was the nicest man you ever met. You would never think me a serial killer. I was, and I hid it like a master.

What had happened though, in those few seconds? What happened that changed the world from the way it once was to the way it is now? An airborne virus. It was breathed by billions. The only ones that could have survived were deep underground, or had something in their blood stream to keep it from affecting them. I was one of the blood ones. I was special, and I knew it. Though, I would never give my blood, my life, to save those who could be saved. This life is mine, and it was just their unlucky day.

This day is my day.

My Name is Darkness

Nonchalant. That is my name, my identity. Unknown, I lurk in the shadows, waiting for the moment to strike. I reach out my hand, and slit your throat. My name is darkness, and I am what you fear.

Interweaving Silent Thoughts

It's going to be another one of those posts. No, not those ones, those ones. And what I mean by that is, angsty teen time! YAY! I really am in a somewhat positive mood right now, but not entirely. I haven't been happy in a long time. At least two years, if not longer. I miss that. I don't remember what happiness felt like anymore. All I remember is that it was great!

There are many things that contribute to my un-happiness. Jealousy, loneliness. Mostly jealousy. Who of? My brother. My brother. One of my favorite people on this planet we call earth. He is who I am most jealous of. He's had genuine Christian friends, where I've been given "projects." He is an artist. A drawing artist. One of the things I wish more than anything I could do, but I can't. I need a camera or something to write with. I'm jealous of his "popularity." Not necessarily the fact that he is "popular," but he has friends. Close friends. I admit, I have friends, I even have close friends. But, they aren't around me. They're at the school on city over. I'm most jealous of the favoritism I believe I see. In my parents. He wants to be a missionary, and everyone supports that, and tries as hard as they can to help him realize his dreams. Me, I want to be a film writer/director. No one cares about that. Among the Christian community, the question is, "Are you going to be a missionary, like your brother." No, I'm going into the film industry, the Devil's realm, to write and direct films. And that's greeted with an, "Oh." One more person that doesn't realize that I have my own personal goals ASIDE FROM MY BROTHER!

My parents seem to show a certain favoritism towards him. I know they don't mean to, but it is most definitely there. I seem to get less attention, less support, more push towards being my brother. It's like even to them the fact that I want to go into film is evil. They want me to be a missionary outside of America, because that isn't enough, apparently.

Now I'm having trouble finding words to embody what I want to say.

I feel a general lack of love from my peers at this school. They all love my brother, he is their idol. (Not really, but you get my point) Me, I get the shut up business. We don't want you here, deal.

I don't belong. Among my peers, or my family.

In Desperation, I've Sacrificed Myself

*Sigh*

Looks like I'm, wait for it, desperate.

D:

This is a point I never wanted to come to, but I have. My personality is one that says I NEED to be with people. I NEED to have one specific person whom I can always talk to, be with, and have similar interests. Oh, and it also longs for this person, of the opposite gender.

Yeah, that's the kind of desperate I am.

I can't seem to find "the one" or even "a one." I can't find anybody. Scratch that, I can't find that person who feels the same way toward me.

I've turned to desperation.

On that note, I've got nothing.

I find myself, generally bored. Sitting at my computer, desperate for a relationship. Both a relationship with friends, and a "relationship" with a special someone. Who I've not yet found.

I'm mostly longing for the second. Have been for a while now.

And I don't know how to cope with this singularity.

Goodbyes and New Beginnings

I'm deleting this previous post because I feel that children do not need to post on blogs.

As such, this will be my final blog post, until I grow up.

When I am no longer a child this blog will be active again.

The Beginning of the Beginning of the End

The End.

The two words at the end of a story.

This post has to do with the end.

This post is meant to titillate your senses for what will be coming next.

In 1 week, I will start a blogging saga.

A blory (mix between a blog, and story).

See you next week.

For the beginning, of the end.

I Gave in to the New Year Trend.

So, this is the first new year for me. No, I wasn't born in 2010 and am a super genius at a couple months old. But this is the first year where I've had a feeling of new.

So, you ask, "What's new this year for you?" Except you don't really ask that, because that's just weird. Regardless, I'll tell you! You know those posts about "the girl" I've had for the past couple months. They're done. I mean it, they're done. I quite ignoring the signs that were being given off and realized how much she didn't "like" me. It's sad, but also kind of freeing. I realize "liking" someone isn't a commitment like actually, say, dating them. But now I can search fo someone else, without second thoughts. There's no sort of (unreasonable) guilt.

I really do want to be friends with her, however. I should probably tell her that....

This new year has also brought upon new light for my ("my" being used lightly) band. Our drummer dropped out. Which is kind of good. This sounds really mean, but he wasn't free hardly ever to do that stuff. And it was a mutual understanding. Plus, I new another drummer, so everything was alright! (If you want to check us out we're on facebook! I'll put a hyperlink on "facebook" once we get everything together and have our final name and style together. Right now we just have one of the many names I've come up for the band.)

2011 looks like it might actually be a good year! I'm going to make the most of it, since there's only 'till December 21, 2012 to live... (I'm just kidding, I joke about that with everyone!)

What are you're thoughts on this year? And what happened in your 2010?















What are your feelings, on zombies?