Sometimes, Trying Isn't Enough. Sometimes, Nothing is Enough.

I am sitting in the back room, alone. Listening to OCEANA, alone. Listening to your conversations in the gaps of the songs, alone. I feel ready to cry, alone. I'm moving, and I can't even remove myself from this room to go and "hang out" with you all. I feel better, back here, alone, away from the disdain that would be thrown at me. I don't want to go and be with you all, because I know I'd just become more sad. I'm moving, and you act as though you're sad. What are you sad about? You didn't seem to care about me while I was here. What difference will it make with me gone? For two years, I've let these feelings bottle up inside me. I want you to read this, and see how you've hurt me. I desire to be with people, but I have no desire to be with you. I've tried to long to be part of your group of friends. I'm done pretending. I'm done acting like I don't care what you say to me. I'm going to let you see the real me. The kid that is now crying. I'm moving, and I never felt loved. I was just a nuisance to you. Don't worry, though. I'm leaving in three months. You won't have to deal with me anymore. You won't have to deal with the fun, energetic, loving Alex Gael anymore. I'll be gone. I only hope, when I visit, you don't treat me the same way. Treating me like shit. You're the real trash. You claim to be Christians, and yet, when I look at you, there is nothing to show that. I know I'm not perfect, but at least I realize when I do things wrong. You know what's ironic, too? The Atheist is a better friend to me than you "Christians."I enjoy being with him, because he is more mature than you, he is more loving, and more accepting. These last two years of my life have been fucking hell. I bet you didn't know, you're the reason I was going to Mount Vernon next year if I didn't end up moving to North Carolina. And you know what? I'd rather go there next year, than move to North Carolina. I'd rather go to school with my true friends, the ones that make me feel happy, than stick around with all of you. Then, at least, I could still be there with them. I wish I was sad about moving to North Carolina, and missing you guys. I can tell you right now, that's not what I'm sad about. I'm not sad to leave you. I finally get to escape from you. I've been tethered to you for two years, because you were the only ones there. I have no remorse for telling you all this. I have no remorse telling you about how you made me cry myself to sleep multiple times over the past two years. I hope the next time I see you all, you have matured, and that you won't treat anyone, ever, the way you treated me. I wish this didn't have t be my farewell letter to you, I wish I could tell you what great friends you've been, how you've always been there for me. You've never been there for me. You know who has been there for me? The senior from Springville, my brother, my parents. Everyone but you. You all have been the reason I fail in school. There is too much hurt. Too much pain, and I can't tell you about it. All you'll do is get angry at me, and tell me I'm being judgmental. I have had to resort to my blog. I've tried to be happy. I've just pushed off this hurt, tried covering it up, ignoring it. The cast party, which was meant to be fun, was when I was the most lonely. It makes me sad, that one of the longest blog posts I've written, is about how you've hurt me, by ignoring me, and pushing me down. I love you, I honestly do. There's nothing in my mind that makes me want to delete this post all together. You've made me feel that awful. It's because of you, I've lost creativity, I've lost my sense of humor, I've lost sense of everything. I've drifted the farthest away from God in my entire life, while I was forced to have to make due with you. I'm moving in July. And this is all I can say about you?