It's going to be another one of those posts. No, not those ones, those ones. And what I mean by that is, angsty teen time! YAY! I really am in a somewhat positive mood right now, but not entirely. I haven't been happy in a long time. At least two years, if not longer. I miss that. I don't remember what happiness felt like anymore. All I remember is that it was great!
There are many things that contribute to my un-happiness. Jealousy, loneliness. Mostly jealousy. Who of? My brother. My brother. One of my favorite people on this planet we call earth. He is who I am most jealous of. He's had genuine Christian friends, where I've been given "projects." He is an artist. A drawing artist. One of the things I wish more than anything I could do, but I can't. I need a camera or something to write with. I'm jealous of his "popularity." Not necessarily the fact that he is "popular," but he has friends. Close friends. I admit, I have friends, I even have close friends. But, they aren't around me. They're at the school on city over. I'm most jealous of the favoritism I believe I see. In my parents. He wants to be a missionary, and everyone supports that, and tries as hard as they can to help him realize his dreams. Me, I want to be a film writer/director. No one cares about that. Among the Christian community, the question is, "Are you going to be a missionary, like your brother." No, I'm going into the film industry, the Devil's realm, to write and direct films. And that's greeted with an, "Oh." One more person that doesn't realize that I have my own personal goals ASIDE FROM MY BROTHER!
My parents seem to show a certain favoritism towards him. I know they don't mean to, but it is most definitely there. I seem to get less attention, less support, more push towards being my brother. It's like even to them the fact that I want to go into film is evil. They want me to be a missionary outside of America, because that isn't enough, apparently.
Now I'm having trouble finding words to embody what I want to say.
I feel a general lack of love from my peers at this school. They all love my brother, he is their idol. (Not really, but you get my point) Me, I get the shut up business. We don't want you here, deal.
I don't belong. Among my peers, or my family.
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