The Outsider

Don't you just hate being that guy that everyone thinks is stupid. The guy that wants to be friends with people, but that for one reason or another is refused this right. And then you try with different people, and get the same outcome? Or maybe you already have your group of friends, but you feel like you're getting slowly pushed out of their lives. Or, maybe you don't feel that way?

I think being mildly depressed makes me write better.

Well, that's the way I feel. At least, in the past two years it has. Trying to fit in is hard with a group of people that have known each other since pre-school. Yeah, since pre-school. What's worse is that my brother (I love my brother, don't get me wrong) seemed to have fit in just fine. Especially now with him have been a football player.

I hate feeling alone. I thrive off of being with people. I melt when I'm alone. When I'm alone, or feel alone. In any aspect of my life. Do you know how hard it is to be a good Christian when everybody around you (including the people that claim to be Christian) refuse to act properly. Especially with those that claim to be Christian, but you can't tell the difference between him and the next guy.

What I really hate is when I'm trying to get in with a certain croup, or person, but someone else gets in. It's like, "Oh, you're not good enough, but this guy is." Ugh, people are the worst part of everything.

Crap, my dad just interrupted me.

If you were wondering where I got all of this from, that's between me and them. Also, I guess I needed to let out all of my feelings about this thing. That I've been holding in for a while.

Would You, Could You, Should You?

I have the feeling that I'm kind of abusing my blog. Telling you to much, inadvertently asking you to feel sorry for me. I feel a lot of times that I'm revealing to much, to eager to tell people about stuff. Telling them to be happy or sad for me.

I have no idea where I'm going with this.

On Tuesday we showed the film we wrote and filmed for "film club." I heard there were about 1Ø people there. My only thought was, "No! I don't want them to see that movie! It was rushed and is terrible!" I guess I wasn't thinking of the other people that were a part of it. Maybe they thought it was good? I guess I have a pride issue. I don't want show it because it's not the best I can do. I can do way better! When people say that something I do is good, but I don't think that it's very hard I usually wave it off and say something to the effect of, "Yeah, well, it wasn't really all that hard. I don't get why your congratulating me on this simple task." When, in reality, I should just accept the compliments and keep the prideful thoughts in my head.

I don't know, what do you think?

Another Whiney Entry

*Edge of your seat "drama-esque" blog entry*

To be completely honest, I just want to ask her out/be my girlfriend, something to that effect. (Maybe that's a reason I shouldn't yet, because I'm unsure of what I "truly" want.) Ever since I found out she existed (I don't really know when that was [I'm a terrible person, I know!]) that's she's made my life stressful(?). I've been stressing out over whether I want to "make a move" or not. And in my mind, I say I will, but in reality I won't. Adding to this is the fact that she's a senior. That's made the stress up to here *motions "really high"* Or maybe not stress, but it's made me feel like an idiot. It's like my mind is saying, "You like a senior? What an idiot, just give it up!" (Then it laughs).

I'm trying to decide whether I want to publish this or not. But, since you're reading this, you know that I decided to. I don't want to post it because it seems like a really stupid thing to me. I want to post it because no one has been helpful in the matter, all that happens when I say anything on the matter I just get laughed at (go figure). So, I guess this is just a way to leave it open to anyone that is willing to help with my stupidity (for lack of a better term), to do so....

On the road again.

I decided to write my book again, since I haven't written in it in about 2 weeks. I don't what I'll do. I'll write then probably go back and flesh it out so that every chapter takes only one page. We'll see....

WHOA!

To my surprise, when I logged onto my blog this morning, I had exactly 200 views on my blog. WHOA! I never thought I would have that many, and to be completely honest, it was never the goal. Though, I am very happy about this, and I hope that people have applied some of my lessons, and I hope I do so myself! There was my 200th view blog post, I'll do a similarly, better one, at 1ØØØ!

Too Much Attention

Yesterday, while at youth group, our youth leader showed us a video. In this video a guy was saying how he felt that he had been ignoring the obvious problem in front of him. This problem being the poor people, that he had never ministered to. While watching this video, a thought popped into my head. I thought that there is too much attention being directed toward going and ministering to the poor, and weak. There is hardly any attention put toward just ministering to those around you. As I thought this, I expanded. I feel that all of the attention for bringing Christ to people is directed at the adults, and the children, but the teens are left in the dark, having to find things out for themselves. They have to do things on their own, except for youth group and FCA there's no bible study, or anything directed toward them advertised, or anything to the effect.

So, there's my thoughts, feel free to correct me if I am wrong!

Crap.

Misleading title.

Isn't amazing what things you can get into that you never thought you would? Like things you never liked before, then a second later, they're your favorite thing in the world? That happened to me today. I now love Japanese Anime, I used to think it was the stupidest thing ever. No longer.

Now, let's think in a broader span. What if things you never believed one day, you absolutely believed the next. Open mindedness can be a good thing, depending on what you are opening your mind to. Close mindedness has it's place to, as long as you don't close your mind to everything. If you open your mind to lies, then they become the truth. If you close your mind to the truth, your truth is lie. So, I guess I'm encouraging you to open your mind, start listening to people. Don't just write them off. But at the same time, keep your mind closed to lies, as I have previously stated. If you do these things, who knows what you could discover?

Not-Picnics and Secrets

This is directly related to a blog post I just read, where the last statement(?) was, "So now, tell me, what are your not-secrets?" Instead of posting a comment below the post, I decided this would be easier. So here are my Not-Secret secrets. (Directly taken from the blog post)

1. I do not enjoy rain and thunderstorms. The rain makes me wet and cold, and thunder gets me startled, not necessarily frightened. The rain makes my hair wet and pastes it to my face which is the most annoying feeling in the world (what a hyperbolae).

2. I also enjoy being the youngest (of 2). It also comes with it's share of not so great things. Being youngest gets you stuff. Literally stuff. It's more or less your parents spoil you more when you're the youngest. I've gotten to do stuff that my brother wasn't allowed to when he was my age, and loved rubbing it in his face. But, being the youngest also sucks. He got to do things that I haven't had the chance to do, even at the age he was. I feel ignored by a large amount of people. I feel like my brother is the greater one that everyone loves, and I'm just his younger brother (even though some people are unaware of this fact)

3. I've suffered with mild depression (I guess I self-diagnosed myself with that). I had moments where I didn't care about anything, I didn't want to do anything, and I cried a lot.

4. I like feminine colors for attention. Otherwise I enjoy dull colors. My favorite color is black, though I hate seeing that color on decor, etc. I prefer seeing white, which I find odd....

5. I am a fan of the Simpsons and Seinfeld. I don't enjoy anime, or animated television for the most part. I see bland, or plain stupid story-lines, with failwhale dialogue and actions.

6. I have two major problems... kind of. When I was born, I had to major problems would be a better way of putting it. Or I could say, I'm a miracle. My eyes are 40% larger than the average human's eye. By all the other cases of this birth defect, I should be blind, and yet I don't even have to wear glasses! And more so than that, when I was born I showed some serious signs of autism. Doctors said I would never ride a bike, I can ride a bike without my hands. I've got a larger vocabulary than some. Yeah, God is a crazy guy.

7. I love people. Some people know, because I hang on them (not literally, but not metaphorically either) But, some people, I try to show, but I'm scared to hang around them and looking immature and stuff so they just write me off. In other words, I suck at trying to show that I like you, I guess.

8. I don't particularly hate certain seasons, but I do hate fall and Winter in Iowa. I love fall because it's very beautiful with the numerous colors and shades of the leaves, but I hate it because it's cold, and I hate being cold, which is why I absolutely hate Winter. I don't enjoy the snow, or the cold, or wet, or anything about it. I like spring because it's pretty and a tolerable temperature. Summer is weird.

9. I hate talking on the phone, or I hate talking individually with someone, trying to converse. I fail at conversation. I usually revert to asking people questions about them (usually about bands or such)

10. I don't find much enjoyment in reading. I don't know why, I just don't like reading, I much rather be hanging out with friends, filming something, or writing, because I love writing.

11. I hate being around a large group of people I don't know. I'm quite socially awkward, so I usually stick to one area with someone I know and wait for someone else to talk to me.

12. I don't like living in Iowa. I would much rather live somewhere that there was an abundance of nature. I lived in Washington state once, and it was awesome, there were trees and trails everywhere.

13. I don't like a song because of it's lyrics, I like a song based on how the vocals sound, and generally how good the band is. I pay attention to the lyrics later (unless I can hear profanity clearly, or anything else offensive) Once I start listening to a band I'll listen to one song from that band for a long time. Then I'll get tired of it and find another band I haven't listened to in a while. I don't try very hard to find new bands...

14. Ice Skating? I quite enjoy it, I suck at it though. I find it fun to be terrible with someone. Like a friend, or something like that. Someone that will laugh with you when you trip over yourself and are laying on the ground like an idiot.

15. I enjoy picnics... I guess? I like the being outside part, but that's also the part I hate. There's bugs everywhere and they're annoying and get on your food and it's gross. But I do enjoy sitting on a nice patch of grass and hanging out with people.

So, there's my not-secret secrets.

A New Ending, An Old Dream

I always try to make my blog entry's titles dramatic. I don't know why, as it usually has nothing to do with the post itself. Oh, well.

This post has to do with writing (yay! Back to the original intent!) Though, not PITY FOR A COWARD, it's a for a script I (co)wrote with someone. However, for the week I've had it written, I had a pretty large re-draft of it today. I completely re-wrote the entire ending. Absolutely nothing from the old ending remained in the new one (except for a cliff-hanger, but that's how I end things for the most part). Without revealing to much, I changed it from a struggle, to a battle, from a sprint, to a fight scene. It'll be fun (not to choreograph)

So, that was a short entry, but it got to the point!

Rumors, and Rumors, and Rumors

As some of you may, or may not know, I am the frontman of a metal-core band called Relinquished Sight. Right now, I'm having troubles. I'm having trouble writing lyrics, and generally having trouble with the members. The drummer (Mitch McAndrew), and I are both Christians, however, our guitarist is not. He's pretty, I dunno, he just is pretty far off the beaten road. I'm having troubles with this, as the band is unofficially a Christian band. Our guitarist doesn't know this though.

The band, for me at least, was more or less to be a ministry, not necessarily to anyone who hears our music (though, that is a goal!) it was more for the non-Christian members of the band. I wanted to introduce them to this idea of God's love, sacrifice, and everything that comes along with it. I'm afraid though, that once our guitarist finds out what the lyrics truly are, that 1) he'll laugh at me, or 2) he'll quit altogether. I would rather have the first option, as without a guitarist, it's generally hard to make metal music. Sound selfish? Maybe a little. But without God centered music, how do you reach out to the unreached people of the earth? If he quits, then the idea behind the band will have failed. As I stated before, it was first and foremost a ministry to those in the band, an experiment if you will. 

This leads me into the next topic of discussion. The name Relinquished Sight. What does it mean? Well, the Bible, God, says that (excuse me for poor quoting) if your eyes lead you astray, gouge them out. Relinquished Sight means to give up sight. If your eyes are leading you to a place of evil, make yourself blind to these things so that you may focus and see what it is God wants you to do, His splendor!

And the album name. I had gone through many but apparently God wanted me to call it 777, because I haven't changed it yet! If you're into theology and sorts, then you know that 666 is the number of the beast in revelation. 6 is man's number. Man was created on the 6th day. So, logically, 777 is God's number. 7 is God's number. on the 7th day, God rested.

I'm sorry about that post being all over the place, but apparently I need to get it out. I definitely appreciate those of you that read my blog, and I'd find it awesome if you maybe even learned something from it!

My brother has a blog (apparently) and posts his pictures there, so I decided I'd do the same!

A Portal. An Open Void.

The fact that I just made a blog post makes me think that I shouldn't post this one. I'll just ignore this thought for some time.

     If you see me at school, you see a happy, loud, obnoxious, care-free, guy (there could be more words, but I wouldn't want to bore you!). But once I go home, the only thing is a  quiet guy. I go home, belt out songs so I can hit the correct notes, have my voice crack when it gets to high, be a tad frustrated, then go on. After this moment passes, I find whatever there is for me to do, which for the most part is facebook, and youtube. DON'T FOLLOW IN MY FOOTSTEPS. This is a sick obsession, a disgusting life of effectively cutting myself off from everyone. Alas, it isn't a conscience decision, it just goes that way. What I'm trying to say, is when you see me, you see half of me, the side I'd rather you see. I don't want you to see a guy who's sorry for himself because he feels alone, regardless of everyone he ignores, or plain out forgets. But this is my true life. Rather, my no-life. Go home, sit on facebook until my face melts. Luckily, now I have the musical to help distract me from things. Plus, there's people there I get super excited to see (even if I don't display it). 

   And this leads me into my next point. Whilst writing the previous paragraph, I though about everything that has happened recently, things that God gave me so I could be happy. I didn't do anything for him, the only thing I did to was complain. And yet, he still gave me this stuff. This stuff being a film club, this stuff being a rather substantial part in the musical. Even with these things, however, I was still feeling my feelings of loneliness, and feeling sorry for myself. Even with the awesomeness of high-school, all the sweet stuff I get to do in high-school, I still feel pity for myself. And this is far sadder than these feelings I feel. For it's plain ignorance. It's like someone throwing you a party with all of your best friends and saying, "This is cool and all, but my problems are more important, even if they are plainly ignorant." 

     I have one final thing to say. All this pressure I get from people at school, "do football", "cut your hair, hippie", "You should be more like your brother" I don't enjoy it, and what's more, it's a waste of your time! All of these things make up who I am! God didn't make me to be someone else, he made me, me. He made you, you. So, unless I greatly value your opinion, or consult you on these matters, if you tell me everyday to do or not to do something, it won't sway me one way or another. If anything, it'll make me feel stronger about what it is I feel!

      I appreciate those of you who have read this post, and even learned something about me. To add to these things, even though I feel these things, I for some reason or another seem to be able to help with these matters, I can empathize with you, and help you through! So, come, talk to me!

     - Alex

It's Kinda Funny...

I find it funny that I initially intended this blog to be for my books, films, etc., but instead, (with this blog post) it's turning into my life blog. Like a blog should be!

     How is it to turn into this, you ask? Well, it's starts with me talking to myself over this blog post. Let's go.

     So basically, I don't know anymore. Maybe that's a little over-dramatic, maybe even a lie. Either way, I still don't know why I said that. I guess that proves that statement true? My original intent was to talk about something, but I guess I'll just put that in a new paragraph.

     You know what sucks? Liking a senior girl *pause for laughs, snickers, and giggles* I know it's a generally stupid idea, but I can't just ignore what my mind tells me. (I avoid cliches like "my heart") But you know what rocks? Dancing with this girl at homecoming. What sucks even worse, being somewhat socially awkward. I can't move forward from that point because unless I'm super comfortable around you, I'm a quiet, break-no-rules guy. What sucks even worse is being socially awkward around the opposite gender no matter how comfortable I am around you. ggrrrr.

     I don't what I was hoping to accomplish in this blog post, maybe informing her of my feelings? I'm contemplating even posting this right now. So, in otherwords, I decided "heck, who cares, I've told pretty much half the school by this point anyhow" or something to that effect.