Thank you, God, for giving me this voice to do nothing with except piss people off, and frustrate myself. Thanks for giving me a voice that isn't good in any setting, Choral, or otherwise. Because of this, I won't ever be able to sing my own songs, I'll never be able to sing to my (future) girlfriend. I'll always look back at my life and be angry that I didn't get to do the one thing I was most passionate about. Singing.
I hate hearing the stupid, "You're only 15 years old." You know what? There are a plethora of 15 year-old out there who can sing well. Mitch McAndrew can sing better than me, Mitchell Stevens can sing better than me, Kyle Langhurst can sing better than me, half the 15-year-olds on YouTube can sing better than me.
I should not have to exceed 300+ dB to hit a C. I should not have to watch my covers, and laugh at myself and how terribly I sing. I should not get rude comments about how crappy my singing is, when I've practiced it every day for three years. It should be at least okay.
And you know what? I won't ever accept this. Never. I will keep on trying, and I will keep swearing at myself when I try to sing songs. I'll continue to cringe whenever I hear myself in choir, continue to be embarrassed with every note I "sing"
I can't get vocal lessons, to even try to begin to sound any good. Not that it would matter, because no matter how many I had, I would still suck. I don't want to have to sing notes so low, they're inaudible. But you stuck me with this, and I'm furious. You gave me a passion for singing, and didn't give me the tools necessary to do it. I don't want to scream. Sure, it's kinda fun, but it's not what i want to do. I want to sing my own lyrics, not have others repeat the words.
So, that's it. I quit. I'm not going to open my mouth again.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Looks Fragile After All
Three lives lost in six months. So many, amongst so few. It's hard to think what exactly was going through these three teen's heads when they made the choice to end it all. The strangest part of it all, is the last two were so full of life. There was no sign of depression, or suicidal thoughts. It's confusing. Why did they choose to take their own lives? Why have so many chosen this? Amongst such a small community, it's hard.
I knew all three of the boys whom killed themselves. The first one, I had seen once about three years ago, at an FLL practice. The second, I had met and hung out with at one football game in the fall. He was fun, loving, and lively. He seemed to enjoy life. Of the three, he was the one that made me hurt the most. The third I had gone to school with for two years, before I switched to Lisbon. I didn't know him very well, as he was part of the sports crowd. While I went t school with him, I didn't like him much. As I matured as a person, I grew to like him quite a bit.
It's sad to see this many take their own lives, especially in such a short amount of time. It was only six months since the first suicide, and one month since the second. They are happening at an alarming rate, and the school is starting to fall apart. People are starting to lose themselves. It's taken a toll on everyone.
Not many I knew were affected by the first suicide. His family, some friends. Mostly the Sophomore class. The second hit home. Pretty much the entirety of the Freshman class at Mount Vernon was hurt by it, and many of the eighth graders, as well. The third has affected a different crowd. Most unsettlingly, it has affected some of my close friends here, at Lisbon. It's scary to this many people crying at my school.
Some good came out of it. Finally, after three suicides, our school decided to talk to each grade about suicide. Teachers and staff opened their doors to anyone who needed to talk. During English, we discussed it, but about 15 minutes before class was over, our teacher knew we couldn't stay inside and talk about it. She took our entire class outside, and for the next ten minutes people ran around, played frisbee, and a few of us sat in the grass and talked.
Our group in the grass talked about how the last time they had seen the Nathan (the latest suicide), he seemed so happy, full of life. They talked about how apparently he had been planning a ski trip for some guys in his class, and how he was stoked for it. People are confused. My teacher had me talk to our small group about my (minor) depression. (You've all seen it on this blog. My blog is where I go to let out. It's how I tell people how I feel) I wasn't crying, or anything, but people comforted me. It confuses me how people can comfort me, when I know they are hurting more than me.
I conclusion... I don't know what to say. It's going to be nice to move, and get a fresh start. It'll be great.
I knew all three of the boys whom killed themselves. The first one, I had seen once about three years ago, at an FLL practice. The second, I had met and hung out with at one football game in the fall. He was fun, loving, and lively. He seemed to enjoy life. Of the three, he was the one that made me hurt the most. The third I had gone to school with for two years, before I switched to Lisbon. I didn't know him very well, as he was part of the sports crowd. While I went t school with him, I didn't like him much. As I matured as a person, I grew to like him quite a bit.
It's sad to see this many take their own lives, especially in such a short amount of time. It was only six months since the first suicide, and one month since the second. They are happening at an alarming rate, and the school is starting to fall apart. People are starting to lose themselves. It's taken a toll on everyone.
Not many I knew were affected by the first suicide. His family, some friends. Mostly the Sophomore class. The second hit home. Pretty much the entirety of the Freshman class at Mount Vernon was hurt by it, and many of the eighth graders, as well. The third has affected a different crowd. Most unsettlingly, it has affected some of my close friends here, at Lisbon. It's scary to this many people crying at my school.
Some good came out of it. Finally, after three suicides, our school decided to talk to each grade about suicide. Teachers and staff opened their doors to anyone who needed to talk. During English, we discussed it, but about 15 minutes before class was over, our teacher knew we couldn't stay inside and talk about it. She took our entire class outside, and for the next ten minutes people ran around, played frisbee, and a few of us sat in the grass and talked.
Our group in the grass talked about how the last time they had seen the Nathan (the latest suicide), he seemed so happy, full of life. They talked about how apparently he had been planning a ski trip for some guys in his class, and how he was stoked for it. People are confused. My teacher had me talk to our small group about my (minor) depression. (You've all seen it on this blog. My blog is where I go to let out. It's how I tell people how I feel) I wasn't crying, or anything, but people comforted me. It confuses me how people can comfort me, when I know they are hurting more than me.
I conclusion... I don't know what to say. It's going to be nice to move, and get a fresh start. It'll be great.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Tumblr
I got a tumblr yesterday. It's pretty cool. I'll be posting a lot more spontaneous things there, so you get the other side of me.
Check it out at Hopes of Hope
or: http://cheeser.tumblr.com
Check it out at Hopes of Hope
or: http://cheeser.tumblr.com
The Deterioration of Permanent Things
Society has deteriorated. We like to laugh at other people's pain, we don't understand what true love is any more. We've abandoned Chivalry.
You can't talk about Chivalry without talking about feminists. Now, I have nothing against feminists, and I understand why they feel the way they do. Sometimes, though, when you try to be respectful to them (as a man) they make it extremely difficult. They feel like you're treating them lesser, because they're a woman.
It doesn't mean you should give up on being respectful of women. There are so many selfish men, and it makes me sad. They want a girl purely for sex, there's no emotional attachment. When the guy is done with her, he leaves her a wreck, broken.
I challenge you as a guy, to continue chivalry. And you, as a woman, to stop being so uptight about guys trying to help, and being respectful. Because that's exactly what it is.
You can't talk about Chivalry without talking about feminists. Now, I have nothing against feminists, and I understand why they feel the way they do. Sometimes, though, when you try to be respectful to them (as a man) they make it extremely difficult. They feel like you're treating them lesser, because they're a woman.
It doesn't mean you should give up on being respectful of women. There are so many selfish men, and it makes me sad. They want a girl purely for sex, there's no emotional attachment. When the guy is done with her, he leaves her a wreck, broken.
I challenge you as a guy, to continue chivalry. And you, as a woman, to stop being so uptight about guys trying to help, and being respectful. Because that's exactly what it is.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
How Do You Conjure the Will to Love?
Revisiting one of my friends old blog posts, I wondered how God manages to love us. How does he continue to love humans, day in, day out, even with the atrocities we commit, and our continued ignorance of his grace, power, and his majesty? As a man, I would have given up on us thousands of years ago. Yet, he in all His awesome wonder continues to love us. It's mind blowing! It makes no sense! We have done nothing to deserve His love, and yet he continues to love us even when we blame things on him, yell at him for not stopping the bad stuff. We refuse to be humble, in front of the God of the universe.
This happens every day, except Sunday. We put on our masks, waltz in "holier than thou." We judge the people there, labeling them "fake" when we ourselves have no right to judge. We are only human. We all mess up. We all make mistakes, screw things up. We love to build ourselves up, by pointing out others mistakes. Making their mistakes seem greater than our own, so we feel we have not done as much wrong.
And still God loves us. Amazing, isn't it?
I challenge you, the reader, go, and do something to earn the love you were given. Go, show others the love God has bestowed upon you.
This happens every day, except Sunday. We put on our masks, waltz in "holier than thou." We judge the people there, labeling them "fake" when we ourselves have no right to judge. We are only human. We all mess up. We all make mistakes, screw things up. We love to build ourselves up, by pointing out others mistakes. Making their mistakes seem greater than our own, so we feel we have not done as much wrong.
And still God loves us. Amazing, isn't it?
I challenge you, the reader, go, and do something to earn the love you were given. Go, show others the love God has bestowed upon you.
The Catharasis
These are some lyrics I wrote, which mean a lot to me. They're about someone I know. This is unfortunately the way I feel about him.
I WAS SENT TO BE HERE FOR YOU
I WAS SENT TO SHOW YOU THE WAY
TO HELP YOU THROUGH
BUT, LIKE VULTURES YOU TOOK WHAT YOU WANTED AND LEFT THE REST!
AS MAN WITH TOO MUCH
NOTHING IS EVER ENOUGH
NEVER ENOUGH FOR YOU!
I'M THROUGH WITH YOU!
I'M DONE TRYING TO GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD
YOU'RE NOT THE BEST MAN!
[YOU'RE JUST A MAN!]
Fears, and failures and mistakes!
Nothing to be ashamed of!
YOU'RE NOT INVINCIBLE!
LOOK IN MY EYES!
I'm not here to challenge you!
I'm not here to judge you!
THAT'S NOT MY ROLE!
I'M HERE TO GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD
THERE IS SO MUCH MORE!
ARE YOU TRYING TO ASSIMILATE?
IS THAT YOUR GOAL?
THEN YOU'VE HIT THE BALL OUT OF THE PARK!
There's so much more
Just let me show you!
LOOK IN MY EYES!
Would I ever hurt you?
Just trust me!
QUIT PRETENDING TO BE
WHO WE ALL KNOW YOU'RE NOT
YOUR MASK IS WATER THIN
YOU'RE FACE IS CRYSTAL CLEAR!
Lay yourself out!
admit to yourself
You're no angel
WE'VE SEEN THE DEMON INSIDE!
YOUR TRUE COLORS LAID OUT ACROSS THE FLOOR
NO LONGER CAN YOU LIE TO US!
NO LONGER ARE WE SUBJECT TO DECEPTION!
Monday, May 9, 2011
Immersing the Animal on the Inside
So, my friend Patrick just put up a blog post talking about people/things/music being both Christian and non-christian (you can check it out here). It led me to this post, and the title.
It's time for me to stop hiding behind a mask of innocence. I say I'm a Christian, but quite unfortunately, there are many things that would contradict this statement. At home, and around my Christian friends, I act like a good kid. But, around my non-christian friends, I'm a totally different person. I swear (a lot), make sexual jokes, and generally act like those around me. I do this in an attempt to fit in, and because I feel "cool" when I do it. I feel like that's the way to fit in.
Is being a Christian about fitting in, though? Not a bit! If anything, you are supposed to be isolated! You're isolated because you're following the truth. People don't like that. They don't like being told what they're doing is wrong, they don't like being told to stop. They want to be totally self-dependent. Unlike them, Christians know they can't be self-dependent, they know they're weak, and can do nothing without the Father.
Let me ask you this. Do you wear two faces?
It's time for me to stop hiding behind a mask of innocence. I say I'm a Christian, but quite unfortunately, there are many things that would contradict this statement. At home, and around my Christian friends, I act like a good kid. But, around my non-christian friends, I'm a totally different person. I swear (a lot), make sexual jokes, and generally act like those around me. I do this in an attempt to fit in, and because I feel "cool" when I do it. I feel like that's the way to fit in.
Is being a Christian about fitting in, though? Not a bit! If anything, you are supposed to be isolated! You're isolated because you're following the truth. People don't like that. They don't like being told what they're doing is wrong, they don't like being told to stop. They want to be totally self-dependent. Unlike them, Christians know they can't be self-dependent, they know they're weak, and can do nothing without the Father.
Let me ask you this. Do you wear two faces?
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)