Now I'm Dying in this Living Room

I struggle with motivation. That last sentence should have looked more like, "I struggle with... motivation" Fail three classes, and I still wasn't motivated to do the homework. (I am now passing those classes, however) I feel like I try to make up reasons for not doing stuff. Indirect stuff, mostly. I generally say it's because I feel lonely. I go home and sit on facebook for hours. I don't initiate hang-outs. Well, except for one friend. And I've been trying to get better at this.

Gosh, talk about anything and I always find a way to relate it to that special girl in my seemingly uneventful life. Or maybe it goes vice-versa.

On that note, pretty much every blog entry has been vaguely on that point. As stupid, or any other adjective, it may sound, I believe this to be the truth. Save for a couple, but my point. I have a strange passion for her. Ugh, this sounds so sappy. It's like I can't ever get my mind off of her. On the other hand, I feel like (here we go again) it actually means something that she's consuming so much of my consciousness. I say this because any other girl I have "liked" this didn't go on for this long. I always ended up liking a different girl, but now. I've liked her for two months. I consulted my friend on this. He said it may not necessarily mean anything. But, on the other hand, I've got my other friends (actually, about 4 of them) who say, "Just go for it!" And then I've got that one friend who thinks it's entirely pointless and should give up (you know who you are!)

Well, that was not-quite the blog post.

And I wanna tell her that I love her, Oh if I could  - Wild Sweet Orange

A Loose Bridge.

I never really considered myself insecure until a friend of mine pointed out my insecurity. There isn't anything I think I'm good at, and I don't think there's anything that I like about my appearance. I think I suck at singing, I think I suck at bass, I think I suck at pretty much everything. Except for writing. Writing seems to be the one thing that I'm good at. But for everything I'm good at, there's ten people that are better than me at it. I am always disappointed in what I do. Music especially. I finish, then think, "Wow, that was awful."

I don't know where this insecurity comes from. I think it may come from myself thinking that no one supports me. No one says, that was good. Sure, my parents, and those people that are older than me think I'm good at it, or at least voice it. But I need support from my peers. I need to be told that it was good. By my peers.

I feel insecure because I feel no one values my opinion. Or me. I try to say something and it's waved off, or ignored completely. I can't talk about my favorite things, because I feel people think I'm an idiot.

Oh, I'm sorry I have different interests than you, and I would like to talk about them. You know, since I sit there and listen to you. Maybe you could do the same for me? No? Oh, that's ok. I guess I'll go sulk in a corner while you learn nothing about me. Even though I already know everything about you.

I can't talk about my most recent film endeavors without getting that look of stupidity. I can't talk about writing without people thinking that it's a waste of time. They can talk about their sports, and their crazy experiences, and everything they want to say about themselves. But I don't even get a minute to say anything about myself.

Alexander Gael